Left alone, abandoned by several friends I was lost. Lost, alone, and confused. Why did they turn their backs on me? The answer was simple and plain as day, they had become to "good" for me. I was no longer on their social status level. What they didn't know, along with the rest of the world, my life was falling apart, shattering before my eyes and I was slipping....slipping away. And what I didn't know was how bad it was about to get, a turn for the worse.
Several events (that could be blogs themselves, so I won't even go there) had gotten me to the point in which I was at. A bad relationship, a friend gone wrong and a few others. All of that unfolding in approximately a year. Now before any of those happened I had some problems but I kept them hidden, as I did everything. Everyone thought I had the perfect life, but I had it all under control, kept it all held together because I had friends-my only motivation. But, keeping bad things inside, only to yourself takes it's toll pn you physically and emotionally. It was those events that tore me apart and I started losing control. Being very unstable, thoughts of alternative to good ways to handle pain started creeping in. But I had friends so it was okay, or so I told myself. But when they soon became to "good" for me and turned their backs was when I possibly needed them the most. It was soon after that when it all shattered. My life shattered and I watched every piece of fall to the ground. I frantically tried to catch every piece and put it back together, but I was to late... It was out of my control, and that scared me....a lot.
Now that what I once had was gone, friends, confidence, peace, motivation, and sense of safety, I was ready to give up. Those, once thoughts became more than just thoughts....actions. I started doing things I shouldn't have, why you ask? Well it temporarally numbed the internal pain I had, let me escape reality for a short amount of time. Which all of that worked for a while. But not long enough, soon it became not enough. I needed more, and it all got worse, a bit more extreme. Meanwhile, apart from this I was busy distancing myself from, the one friend I had left (because I seen I was pulling her down with e and couldn't let myself do that) and my family. I distanced myself from everyone at school, and anyone else in-between home and school. The pain inside of me continued to grow, as it grew so did the level of the actions I took to numb the pain. It all continued to worsen, spiraling further out of control, slowly killing me. I wanted help but didn't know where to turn, I was lost and alone. I tried to show others I was hurting, i don't know why no one seen, I mean I went from being outgoing to being very distant and solitary. I felt like I was standing in plain sight, in a sound proof box, screaming for help, but no one heard and although they could see me they just kept walking by. That's how I felt. So I turned to the final level of dealing with my pain "alternatively". And yes this was the final level....the level I planned on not returning from.
I spent days, even weeks thinking about and planning out several things. things from the different ways this final level could be executed to planning out each one of those options...in detail. I was very serious about it, did it scare me? Yes, it did, a lot. But I had no choice left....
Out of options: attempt #1....planned poorly, as I was scared, and it failed...miserably failed....(there were a few others like this but I'm only mentioning the 4 main attempts)...
Out of options: attempt #2....Planned well. Scared? Yes, but I was ready....I went through the steps as I had planned out...I peacefully drifted off to sleep....And unplanned I woke up very late in the morning feeling very sick (by the way it was the waking up part that was unplanned). What went wrong? I'm not sure, I was just annoyed with it all.
Out of options: attempt #3....Planned extremely well....executed very very poorly....actually it was executed so poorly it wasn't executed at all....yes, I got scared and bailed....
Out of options: attempt #4...THE FINAL ATTEMPT...Planned Extrodinarily well.....Executed wonderfully....I did all as planned, just A's I had researched to make sure it would work...I laid there, and the room began to spin and I got very tired.....then, just then something happened. I started getting scared, knowing I wasn't goi g to wake up. I began to cry, as my mind continued to spin. I cried and cried, and then I prayed. I asked for forgiveness and help. Then I cried more as I go more tired and I'll feeling, then I drifted off to sleep.....well, obviously since I'm here writing this I woke up.
I woke up, sat up, looked around....and cried. Because I was happy to be alive. But how? How did I survive that?....there's only one way.....GOD.....yes, Gd heard my prayer, and he intervened and gave me a second chance. To this day I believe in second chances. I decided at that moment I was going to fix my life. Turn a new leaf. Begin again. Start over. But how? It was a long journey with several stumbling stones.
As I started on my way, I was faced with several challenges. Some I over came right away, others...not so much. I fell into temptation of my old ways several times....and I gave in several times. But then I'd gather myself and try to move forward. I would take two steps forward, which almost always were followed by two or three steps backward. I needed help, I realized I couldn't do this on my own.... So I prayed, not for a miracle but for someone to help me, to encourage me, to support me.... Once again God delivered, after praying that prayer several times, someone new walked into my life. I knew from the beginning there was something special about that person. I felt some sort of magnetic pull towards him. And that's when my life turned onto yet again a new path.
I was quickly able to open up to him, and tell him everything. Which was strange as I didn't tell anyone anything and trusted no one. He was quick to encourage me and lift me up, helped me along and my life was looking good (compared to how it was, there wad a lot of work to be done). Once I got that under control, (yes, under control) and was much closer to God, it wad time to deal with the other problems. The problems yet holding me back, confidence and self-image. He helped me, built me up. He gave me back what I lost before, back at the beginning....He was truly a gift from God...
As time went on a total of 2 years had passed since the very, very beginning of everything. I was then at a much much better place in life. Since then I have continued to grow in Faith. Now, I am devoted to God. I've reconnected with the one friend I distanced myself from, as well ad my family. And the special gift from God, well...he is still very involved in my life. More now than ever, and I pray if stays that way. I have a very small group of friends, whom I talk to often. Outside of that group, I don't really talk to anyone. Everyone at school sees me as strange, but whatever, it doesn't matter...
Now don't get me wrong, I stil struggle with things. Things like confidence, self-image, depression, and probably most of all anxiety. Everything I went through, with the traumatic events left emotional scars. And those emotional scars resulted in physical scars. A's a result of that and just living my daily life I am constantly reminded of the past. Sometimes that is very challenging, other times it doesn't really bother me. But either way I am oh so grateful for what God has blessed me with, and everyday I strive to grow closer to him...
God is very powerful and he hears all prayers...
My prayer:
Thank you, God, for all you've blessed me with. Please continue to inspire and encourage me. Let me grow in your word and show me what you want me to do with my life. Please let others learn from my story, and allow them to grow as well. Please watch over my friends and family, and allow them to seek you and grow in your word. In the name of Christ, Amen.
